


Have A Heart

by seriousfic



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 21:52:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1444180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seriousfic/pseuds/seriousfic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>YOU get a heart! And YOU get a heart! EVERYBODY gets a heart!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Have A Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Бессердечие](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3668664) by [lfr_sam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lfr_sam/pseuds/lfr_sam)



Robin almost couldn’t believe that Regina had given him her heart. It was like a bad metaphor. But then, they did have a certain chemistry. She was quite a woman, albeit misguided—the kind of person who could really benefit from being under his wing. Like a Merry Man, albeit a bit more intimate. After all, when he pictured Little John naked, the man didn’t look anywhere near as inspiring.

 

Robin opened up his satchel to look upon Regina’s heart again. And saw nothing but a note reading ‘Pickpocketing isn’t that hard’.

 

What a bitch.

 

***

 

As soon as Regina walked into the Charmings’ home, Mary-Margaret ran up to favor her with a hug—apparently a hallmark of being on the side of right and virtue. If she’d known ahead of time, Regina would’ve asked if Pan had any openings among the Lost Boys.

 

“I’m so glad you’re alright,” Mary-Margaret said. “I know how hard it is to fight a sibling.”

 

Regina gave her head a shake. “No you don’t.”

 

“I have a vivid imagination, Regina, and I’m very empathetic.” David brought them hot cocoa. The Charming household seemed to have it on tap. “What can I help you with, Regina? Pajama party? Pajama party watching Doris Day movies!?”

 

Regina once more forgave herself for thinking Mary-Margaret would be easy to kill. Who could’ve known? “Actually, I need you to do me a favor.”

 

Mary-Margaret broke away from her, having drawn the hug out as long as was socially acceptable, then a little longer because she was queen. “Anything. As long as no one dies, has sex, or is transformed into any sort of creature.”

 

 _Some people take all the fun out of life._ “You know Zelena’s after my heart.”

 

“Regina, that’s wonder—“ Mary-Margaret realized she was not talking about a man and a romantic relationship. Regina could admit it, she’d phrased that poorly. “That witch.”

 

“I need you to look after something. I know we’ve had our ups and downs… in fact, we’ve done horrible things to each other.”

 

“Mostly you.”

 

Regina shrugged. “I never killed _your_ mother.”

 

“You killed my father.”

 

“He was an asshole.”

 

“Your mom was a bitch.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“My mother was awesome,” David chimed in.

 

“So was mine!” Mary-Margaret protested.

 

“My mom was awesome,” Regina said quietly. “In a way. I mean, she could turn into a dragon…”

 

“She could?”

 

“She wasn’t _showy_ about it. The point is, Mary-Margaret, after everything we’ve been through—I trust you with this. And I want you to have it.” Regina held out a small leather bag. “Promise me you’ll keep it safe?”

 

Mary-Margaret looked up at Regina with sparkling eyes. “I’ll protect it with my life.”

 

“Good.” Regina backed up before there could be any more hugging. “I must be going now.”

 

“Doris Day movies!” Mary-Margaret called after her. “It’s an open invitation!” The door shut. Mary-Margaret turned to her husband. “I think we’ve really turned a corner.”

 

“I think you should open that,” David said of the bag.

 

“I know what a heart looks like, David.” Mary-Margaret opened the bag. “And it’s dog crap.”

 

“That’s not what a heart looks like,” David pointed out.

 

“ _I know that, Charming!”_

***

 

Hook looked up from his glass of beer as Regina approached him. “Ah. Your highness. What brings you to this unwholesome establishment and its disreputable clientele?”

 

“You’re in an Applebee’s, Killian.”

 

Hook scowled at her. “I didn’t make this town, love. You’re the one you thought this place could do with a clocktower _but not a decent bar._ ”

 

“Captain,” she said pointedly, “I am here on business. I know we haven’t always see eye to eye, but I’ve come to value you. Trust you as a sort of… ally. And there’s something I need you to hold onto for me.”

 

“Love, you know anything of yours you want me to hold—“ Hook leaned up close to her body, as if she’d asked for a very good look of what a poor job he’d done of shaving. “—will be kept very close to my person.”

 

“Alright, I can’t do this.” Regina took a few steps back. “Here’s a bag of dog crap,” she said, and threw it at him.

 

Hook dodged it but, of course, ended up falling to the floor.

 

***

 

“Regina, if you have a bag of crap for me, I don’t want it,” Emma said at first sight of Regina.

 

The Evil Queen grinned as she sauntered over to her. “Now _there’s_ a conversation-starter.”

 

“I’m serious, Regina, it’s not funny. It’s just a little gross and really begs the question of where you’re getting all this dog crap.”

 

“Emma—“

 

“We don’t even have a dog park in town. Why do we have a clocktower but not a dog park?”

 

Regina was getting a little annoyed with everyone who thought they could do a better job creating an entire town out of magic and human sacrifice. “I’m sorry, I didn’t play SimCity as a girl, this is my first town-created-out-of-nothing.”

 

“It’s not a bad town—“ Emma stressed.

 

Regina thrust out a leather bag at Emma. “Here.”

 

Emma eyed it suspiciously. “That’d better not be dog crap.”

 

Regina pressed her hands together. “Emma, we’re shared a lot over the past few years. You’ve done from a burgeoning annoyance to my mortal enemy and now, you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. You gave birth to my son. You took care of him for me. Whatever trust we’ve built together, I would never do anything to hurt that.”

 

Emma stared at her, unimpressed.

 

“It’s not dog crap,” Regina assured her with a sigh.

 

Emma opened the bag and looked inside. Regina waited through a pregnant pause as she _continued_ looking inside.

 

“That’s a dildo,” Emma said at last.

 

“But it’s not dog crap.”

 

“But it’s a dildo.”

 

Regina pressed it into her hands. “You’re welcome.”

 

Emma shook her head. “So what the hell did you do with your heart, really?”

 

Regina smiled. “I gave it to someone who’s used to making quick exits, who regularly travels far from here without any warning, and doesn’t return for so long that it’d be impossible for Zelena to get to her.”

 

“Ruby?”

 

“Yes. I’m told it’s a family tradition. One of her moms did the same thing once.”

 

***

 

Gabe looked up as Detective Bering-Wells returned to her desk, dropping a small box into her desk drawer. “’Nother souvenir from another vacation? Where do you go all the time?”

 

BW gave her partner a fond look. “Why? Want me to take you along?”

 

“Nah, I get more than enough excitement dealing with your mothers coming to visit. Always pick when my fudge allergy is about to flare up…”


End file.
